Talking With Your Spouse or Partner

A cancer diagnosis affects a marriage or other partnership, often in ways that are not apparent. Because a spouse or partner is a primary source of support, good communication is essential. Often, many young adults receive support from their parents in addition to their spouse or partner, and it is important to find a balance between these sources of support. Learn more about Cancer and Your Parents.

What your spouse or partner may be thinking

When a spouse or partner is diagnosed with cancer, both partners may experience sadness, anxiety, depression, anger, and hopelessness. Many young adults do not expect their spouse to be facing a life-threatening illness at such a young age. The possibility of being widowed may be frightening or overwhelming. Most spouses and partners, though, are supportive and helpful and develop positive ways to cope with a diagnosis of cancer.

The importance of communication

The complex emotional and lifestyle changes that follow a cancer diagnosis make communication more important, and in some cases, more complicated. Good communication involves being able to talk openly and honestly about your thoughts, feelings, and fears with someone who listens and supports you. Good communication includes not only expressing your own thoughts and feelings, but also listening to your partner's thoughts and feelings and accepting them without criticism or blame.

Here are some tips to help you and your partner talk about cancer:

Pick times to talk when you are both free from distractions. Some couples find that scheduling a daily time to sit down and talk works well.
If you have something especially difficult to discuss, it may help to practice before you bring it up with your partner
Talk honestly about your feelings, both positive and negative. Emotions, such as anger, fear, frustration, and resentment, are normal reactions to cancer. Couples often don't discuss these emotions for fear of upsetting the other partner or because they feel guilty. Hiding emotions creates distance between partners and prevents couples from supporting and comforting each other.
You and your partner won't always feel the same way—you may be more scared while your partner may be more hopeful. Talk about these differences and respect your partner's feelings.
You and your partner probably have different ways of coping with stress. Talk about these differences and respect your partner's coping style.
Tell your partner often about the specific types of support and encouragement you need. One day you may need practical help, while another day, you may need emotional support.
You don't always have to talk about cancer. Continue to talk about "normal" things, too—just talking and sharing activities together helps couples feel closer.

Expect changes

For many couples, facing the challenges of cancer together strengthens their relationship. Fear of losing a partner can reinforce a couple's love and commitment. Cancer can cause young couples to re-evaluate their priorities and reinforce the importance of their partnership early in their marriage. While the effects of cancer vary from couple to couple, most couples will experience changes in a variety of interactions, including roles and responsibilities, sexuality, intimacy, parenting, and hopes and plans for the future.

For more information on relationship changes, read Relationships and Cancer.

Finding help

If you and your partner are having relationship or communication problems, you may consider seeking help from a marriage counselor or couples therapist. You may also consider joining a support group. Support groups are available for couples, people with cancer, and spouses or partners of people with cancer.

More Information

Cancer.Net: Talking With Your Spouse or Partner About Cancer

Cancer.Net: Cancer in Young Adults