Being Single With Cancer

The physical and emotional changes brought on by cancer can change dating and sexual relationships for single adults.
Dating

Dating can be stressful for anyone, but it can be especially difficult for single adults with cancer or a history of cancer. Many single cancer survivors avoid dating because they fear being rejected. The possibility of rejection is real, but it's important to not a let a fear of rejection stop you from dating altogether.

Deciding when to tell a new date about your cancer experience can be especially challenging. Some cancer survivors are reluctant to discuss something so personal with someone new and are afraid that the news may scare away a potential partner. For others, their cancer experience is so important that not telling early in a relationship feels dishonest or insincere. While the right time to tell will differ for each person, it may help to wait until you and your new partner have developed a mutual level of trust and caring. It is also best to tell a new partner before a relationship becomes serious. Other difficult issues you may need to discuss with a new partner include your ability to have children, the possibility of recurrence, and whether or not your life expectancy has been shortened. Some new partners might also need to be reassured that cancer is not contagious.

New relationships

The following may help if you are having difficulty starting new relationships or are anxious about dating:

Spend time with friends and family and find social activities you enjoy. These are potential opportunities to meet someone new.
Try a new activity, join a club, or take a class. These activities will help you become more comfortable with how people respond to you, especially if you have physical signs of cancer such as hair loss or scars.
Cancer does not define you. Make a list of positive qualities about yourself that make you a good partner.
If you are ready to talk to a new partner about your cancer, try writing down what you are going to say or practicing with a friend first.
If you are anxious about rejection, try to imagine being rejected and practice what you might say and how you will handle the situation.
Don't give up if someone doesn't reciprocate the same feelings. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, when faced with cancer or not.

Sexuality

Some cancers and cancer treatments directly affect sexuality through physical changes to the body. Symptoms such as erectile dysfunction, difficulty achieving orgasm, vaginal dryness, and pain during intercourse can result from cancer treatments such as surgery, radiation treatment, and hormone therapy. Other physical changes (such as losing a testicle, needing a colostomy or an ostomy, losing weight or hair, or having scars or skin changes) may not affect sexuality directly, but do affect the way a person feels about his or her body and physical/sexual attractiveness. Even a person whose body was not outwardly changed by cancer is likely to feel differently about his or her body. These changes all affect self-image, self-confidence, and a person's sense of attractiveness.

The importance of communication

One of the most important steps in overcoming anxiety about initiating a sexual relationship is communicating with your new partner. Communication is essential for healthy sexuality in any relationship, but sexuality is private and most people find it hard to talk about sex, even with a long-term partner. Discussing sexuality with a new partner is difficult, but it may help alleviate some of your anxiety and lead to a greater sense of emotional intimacy and trust.

There is no "perfect time" to talk about sexuality, but it is best to discuss the topic with a new partner before becoming sexually intimate. Most people find that it becomes easier to talk about sexuality with practice and it may help to have several shorter conversations. As you and your partner become more comfortable discussing sexuality, you will be better able to talk openly and honestly about ongoing changes in your sexual needs and desires.

Talking about and developing sexual intimacy

Decide what you want to say to your partner ahead of time and practice in front of a mirror or with a friend.
If you have difficulty using sexual terms, practice saying the words out loud until you feel more comfortable; most sex therapists recommend using real words, rather than slang terms or euphemisms.
Pick a time to talk to your partner when you are both relaxed and not rushed; pick a place that is private and neutral.
Talk to your partner about positions and activities that provide the most pleasure and those that cause discomfort; agree to let your partner know if anything becomes painful so he or she doesn't need to worry about hurting you.
Be honest about potential problems, such as erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness, and discuss things you both can do to help minimize these problems; discuss treatment options for sexual problems with your doctor.
Keep in mind that sexual intimacy involves more than intercourse—experiment with other ways of giving and receiving sexual pleasure.
Talk to your partner about physical changes to your body, such as a breast or testicle that was removed, a colostomy, or a genital scar; you may feel less anxious if your partner knows about changes to these parts of your body before your first sexual experience together.
A partner who truly cares about you will accept you as you are

Finding support

If you continue to experience ongoing problems with sexual intimacy, you may want to seek community support or help from a mental health professional. Joining a support group or contacting a cancer support organization will connect you with others who have shared your experience and can offer advice and support. Talk to your doctor about any sexual problems you are experiencing and ask for a referral to a counselor or sex therapist. Counselors and sex therapists will help you address problems with emotional and sexual intimacy, as well as difficulties with communication.

Additional resources

American Cancer Society: Sexuality for Men and Their Partners (including The Single Man and Cancer) and Sexuality for Women and Their Partners (including The Single Woman and Cancer)

National Cancer Institute: Life After Cancer Treatment: Your Social Relationships After Cancer Treatment and Sexuality and Reproductive Issues

CancerCare: Men's Cancer and Sexuality (including What if you are Single?) and Women's Cancer and Sexuality (including What if you are Single?)

Lance Armstrong Foundation: (Read articles on Dating and New Relationships and Body Image)