Sharing Responsibilities

Caring for someone with cancer is ideally a time for families to come together and provide mutual support to one another during a stressful situation. However, it is possible the pressures of caregiving can ignite or magnify family conflicts. Unresolved issues from the past may emerge, making it difficult for family members to function well together as a group.

It is important to recognize that families typically show a pattern in how they cope in stressful situations. Families who have been able to safely express their feelings and build consensus will most likely be able to effectively resolve any conflicts surrounding caregiving issues. On the other hand, families in which each member solves problems independently or avoids reaching a solution might have more difficulty coping in this situation.

Potential conflicts

The following are some examples of potential sources of conflict among caregiving families:

Unequal division of caregiving duties. Typically, one family member takes on the primary role of caring for the loved one with cancer. This situation can lead the overloaded caregiver to feel frustrated and resentful, and other members to feel left out.

Disagreement on caregiving decisions. There may be differences of opinion about financial, medical, and daily caregiving decisions that are difficult to resolve.

Differences in coping styles. Family members may react differently to their caregiving responsibilities, due to different ways of coping.

Working together as caregivers

Although resolving family conflicts can be challenging and uncomfortable, it's important that issues be quickly addressed, so they won't negatively affect the family's ability to provide high-quality care for the person with cancer. If families need additional support, there are many resources available. For more information on seeking professional help, read Cancer.Net Feature: How to Find a Counselor.

The following are ways families can come together to create a supportive network:

Expect and accept family members’ differences of opinion and coping styles, and try to work together.
Don't be afraid to ask for help in caregiving responsibilities, and learn how to graciously accept it.
Express appreciation to family members who are trying to help, even if the help isn't exactly what is needed.
Be realistic in dividing up caregiving responsibilities. Allow family members to help in ways they are able and divide tasks according to individual abilities, current lifestyles, and schedules.
Caregiving responsibilities will vary from day to day, week to week. Encourage family members to remain flexible and pitch in when extra help is needed.
Involve the person with cancer. He or she should always be a central part of all discussions and actions surrounding his or her care.
Have a back-up caregiving plan, if possible.

It may also be helpful to have family meetings. This may be a time to encourage everyone on the caregiving team, both friends and family, to participate in the caregiving responsibilities. Those who can't attend in person may want to participate by phone. All participants should have an opportunity to be heard and express their opinions. Open communication is important.

Additional resources

AARP: Involving the Whole Family in Caregiving

AARP: Managing the Stress of Caregiving

CancerCare

Family Caregiver Alliance: Caregiving Issues and Strategies Fact Sheets

Lotsa Helping Hands

National Family Caregivers Association

Last Updated: January 29, 2005